Raid the Islanders! Pens sign Satan and Fedotenko. Both for a year.
Sure, it probably closes the door on Naslund and Prodigal Son. But to be honest, who doesn’t want this t-shirt jersey?
If we lose a single game to NYI this year the team should have to lick the tongues of local homeless men.
Screen grab from the press conference today after someone asks if Ray Shero if he thinks that Hossa signing a one year deal because Detroit is “the best place to win a cup” is taken personally by the Penguins organization.
A lesser man would have broken. A Shero only smiles.
True story: Before free July 1st I wanted to write a post entitled Please Pens Nation, Let’s Not Be THAT Girl. It was to go over all the reasons we should keep a stiff upper lip if/when Marion Hossa took his career enhancing time with the Penguins and traded it for serious coin. It’s his right. He deserved to do whatever he wants and we had no reason to be upset.
But after today, I’m sorry. I gotta be THAT girl.
You can’t pull that kind of shit and not get a reaction, with a sly wink to Doubt About It’s post today, we will delve into exactly why.
So let’s start skipping meals, posting deliberately slutty pictures on Facebook and deploy an all out campaign to blow as many of his friends as possible: let’s get crazy ladies.
• First, this isn’t about the team. We’ll be fine. We expected to lose Hossa. As DAI pointed out, the only time we will see the Detroit Red Wings when a game matters is in the Stanley Cup Finals, which we’d all agree would be delightful. Sid, Geno, Flower and Staal are our core and will be until the wheels fall off.
This is about the way it went down.
• ONE YEAR? ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? In all honesty, are you engaging in intercourse with the mentally disabled? Because that would explain why you had one opportunity that completely addressed all the needs on your checklist, but instead decided to spurn it for a situation where one errant knee on knee hit essentially takes $70 MILLION off the table. Forever.
• We were the backup? The fucking BACKUP? The IF the Red Wings can’t offer me table scraps then I guess I’ll take your offer plan? Our guys are younger! Our best player isn’t the guy who almost won MVP last season! Our third line center almost won a playoff game… on the road… in Philly… when everyone else played like shit. Flower is going to go into next season on the heels of a career making performance and a resurrection that even the staunchest believers had doubts about. Seriously, dude. Seriously. Seriously.
• The Pens have a legit chance (possibly now more than ever) to come in under the radar next season. They aren’t the buzz team like Tampa will be. If the Pens kept Hossa they’d still be a team that fell short. MAF is an injury-free season away from completely having his perennial Question Mark tag removed by the media. But most importantly, they aren’t the Stanley Cup champions. Ask the Ducks how easy defending the title is in the new NHL.
The Hurricanes won in 2006 and haven’t been back to the playoffs since despite playing in a shit house division.
I know both these teams had their reasons for not making it. Point is, two-time champions are rare.
• The Chicago Blackhawks. End of sentence.
• The Chicago Blackhawks. Beginning of new sentence because I’m running out of steam. You are looking to win a cup THIS coming season. You look at two teams in two devisions and you pick the one where the team you’re joining is NOT clearly considered to be the future perennial leader. NOT the one whose division rival just wrote the name Rosival on a $20 million contract.
The one whose major issues in a breakout season were defense and goaltending and the DAY BEFORE YOU SIGNED inked the best D-man on the market and a highly capable goaltender. NOT the one whose cross-state rival traded the one player that murdered the Pens to Columbus.
The one who has two players entering their second year in the league after blockbuster rookie campaigns. You want to know who would be a great person to ask about how good they’ll be? The two guys who you won’t be playing with any more. Oh yeah, by the way, the last winner in OUR division just signed two forwards from when they won the cup back in the fucking 90s. They also threw some seed money at a rogue California scientist by the name of Emmit Brown who is doing some very interesting research into automotive-facilitated breeching of the space/time continuum.
• Tomas Kopecky. What the fuck are you doing listening to Tomas Kopecky?
This is the only conversation you should have been having:
Sidney: Hey Mar Mar…
Hossa: Yeah.
Sidney: We should play together. You know, I’ll pass you the puck. You pass me the puck. We can go on the power play. You can get the puck from Geno or Gonch. I don’t care.
It’ll be fun.
Hossa: Okay. (signs cap-friendly contract, avoids earned dick bag label)
—
IN SUMMATION: Jump in a river and die. Besides, Naslund’s cuter! (starts to tear up) (makes a big scene in leaving the party while walking by as many people as possible) (check to make sure everyone if aware of crying) (waits for sympathy)
Just as he came into our lives, Marion Hossa has left just as surprisingly.
ONE year on a discount deal to Detroit for 7.6 mil. This isn’t him cashing in, this is him leaving a team he already has chemistry on for another talent loaded team. Seriously.
Jesus, I take personal offense to this.
Well… fuck him. In other news, let’s get those wheels turning on having the Prodigal Son return. Mark my words, if this happens, get ready for the Off-Season Mullet.
We’re just going to come out and say it, pay attention to The Pensblog when it comes to actual rumors. Reasons why:
- They don’t shoot their mouths off every time somethings happens or get all rock cock for every free agent or trade possibility.
- They’re the biggest Penguins blog on the internet, which counts for something. If someone who knows something wants to get it out to the biggest audience, they are where to go.
- Like the Spanish Inquisition, nobody suspects the blog that advocates phone crashing local sports shows and has taken up 3% of the entire internet’s bandwidth with pictures of men kissing to have actual information.
To wit: a few days ago, tPB mentions getting behind the notion that ol’ Double J could come back to Pittsburgh for one last roll of the dice. Today, the rumor mill sez Jags could head back to the ‘Burgh for a one-year incentive-riddled deal. Interesting.
Of course, the biggest winner of that deal would be Petr Sykora since his deadbeat landlord would be back in town maybe he could get off his ass and take care of the fucking ants. Jesus.
ALSO:
• Dupuis gets 3 years, 1.4 mil per. Half-Season Eaton gets 2 years, 1 mil per which is an absolute steal if he goes even one of them without serious injury OR if he goes half a season without he’s mouth watering trade bait. Shero gets a Spicy Chicken sandwich from Wendy’s for 5 min, .45 per. It was originally asking for $5 deal, declined an offer from Kevin Lowe for $35 million and a faberge egg.
• Hitting the dusty trail is Conklin who will learn to do The Flop alongside Chris Osgood in Detroit for $770,000. Call me nuts but I figured he could at LEAST get a mil. Maybe he takes the discount to possibly start on ballin’ team.
• Eddy Spaghetti gains a few more reasons to make the trip to Tampa next season as Malone, Roberts and Adam Hall all join Michel Oullet with Barry Melrose’s new operation.
• Oh. And Malkin agrees in principal to Sid Contract Lite. 5 yrs, 8.7 mil per. Doesn’t count against cap until next season. If you doubt how important Crosby signing that deal after an MVP season is, you should probably stop breathing.
STILL TO COME… Hossa! Orpik! Ruutu! Big George! Naslund!
Evgeni:
We are very pleased to see your progress in U S and A, you have truly blossomed into the true superstar we knew you could be. It is with that said that we would like to offer you 12.5 million in tax-free American dollars to come play in our brand new Continental League.
I know what you’re thinking, the last time you played in Russia you were forced to sign a two-year extension for peanuts while we two men brandishing weapons stared menacingly at your father and third traced hearts in your mother’s side-boob.
But that was the OLD league Evgeni, we’ve totally changed!
Here’s how:
- The NAME is different.
- We are now offering ridiculous amounts of money in an effort to lure a major star whom we would parade around and treat as if cured cancer. How did a league that just went through reorganization get access to such rich capital? Who are you? The cops?
- Igor and Ivan have since had their guns taken away and were told if they kept making those faces they would stay that way. Boris was given a stern warning about his tracing habit.
- Have you see the NAME? Notice that it isn’t what it used to be?
- Our league’s first slogan: New Smiles. Same Mob Ownership.
Please consider this offer carefully.
Best,
Continental League Head Office
I remove my playoff beard with an homage to The Royal Tenenebaums. Is it dark? Well, it is a suicide scene…
Game 5 is discussed between Eddy and his trusty sidekick Robot Mike Lange.
Gonchar writes the hackiest sports movie script of all time by hitting the ice for the winning PP with a head full of concussion and a bum shoulder.
Sykie calls his shot because he’s more impressive than that fat, overrated, dick scratching, wife beating asshole Babe Ruth.
Andre 3000 knows Kung Fu. If this game was his “coming out party,” by 3OT he was Freddy Mercury gay.
The Pens didn’t do this for us, they did it for the NHL. With the most hyped NBA Finals of all time in the wings, who has the best sports story of the night?
Chris Osgood only stopped 30 shots? Ha. Real men top 50. Eat a lb. of balls, Elroy.
